Fake prescription medication. Dadbands. Bratpack attitude. Trying to look Japanese. Pretending to have obscure illnesses. Ditch your iPod for an antique midi-hifi or cassette player. Grey shoes. Boring old-people drinks. Cheap wartime fags. My top ti...ps for what some wanker will be telling you to do this Autumn. Tossers.

I'm talking grey plastic slip-on shoes. Sherry. Pretending to have a fatal illness. Pretending to take your 'medication'. Getting into really boring music. Fuck the Beatles. And pretending to be Sinatra. Really old crap sci-fi tv shows too.

Oh and brown clothes too. Brown tracksuits. Brown trousers. Brown polo-necks.

Shops that let you pretend to steal stuff. Health foods designed to look and taste really unhealthy. Going out to eat a load of meat. And Katie Price's real face is more full of holes and knife scars than mine!

Also, having a bar in the corner of your room. That sort of tacky shit.

Carrying inappropriate stuff in your pockets. Dildos. Knickers. Blood-stained knives. Lock-picks. Other people's teeth.

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The scent of smoke and wine on someone else's breath. The soft-sharp chime of ice in a glass. The nihilistic charm of heels on pavement. The soft smirk of a girl farting. The ugly truth of waking at dawn wrapped in cold, sweat soaked bedsheets. Cold pizza for breakfast.